unforgiven

note: you can download an archive of all discussions (since 2023/07) related to resolving these cases here.

2024/09/30

here is the task, and i must accept it. to get across effectively on one page what the sms community did to me, to the outsiders who will become interested. say someone from pikmin or sm64 wants to find out what happened. or the person whose stream i liked to watch who befriended one of my abusers at a convention. i don’t have the words to speak, the social clout to be believed. but i have to make it easy to grasp for posterity. people have promised to help me tell the story, but they abandoned me eventually, so i must go it alone. i can do it

i tried to write a similar conclusion to the saga 7 months ago, resulting in “the end”, but it’s been hard to pull the plug. with time have come new developments and new perspectives on what matters. so i’ll try to do it better now. it’s been 2 years and 12 days since i was banned from sms

there will be 4 parts that people will want to selectively read. a background, two sections going person-by-person, and a conclusion about the effect it had on me. the middle half is quite long cos this story went on so long and engulfed so many people

this page is intended to be fully self-contained but will also cite claims with links into older docs or storytelling dialogues that have many more details and evidence

  1. background: read for your basic information
  2. case outlines: read the parts concerning people you want to know about
  3. the ambient culture: same as #2
  4. moving on alone: read if you care about me

background

so in the middle half of 2022, i was an sms speedrunner in the community. several months earlier, i had been ostracised from a mutual friend group by sms speedrunner lumardy; over a period of 7 months, he had lied to and manipulated them behind my back to believe i was emotionally abusing him, while covering this up to those of our friends whom i was close with. some of my friends never spoke to me again. i had a hell of a time telling this story to the sms community, resulting in a ban for him but ultimately no real support, since most people didn’t care about the trauma of having your friends taken away from you by someone else… or maybe they just didn’t care about my trauma? i never figured out which it was. this allowed him to keep bullying me across 2022/23.

in september 2022, i was banned for the same stretch as lumardy (9 months), with the sms moderators accusing me of abuse, talking about protecting victims, basically convincing the community to cancel me, and pretended what i was guilty of was so bad they couldn’t tell anyone what it was. they didn’t actually have a doc or a written-down case of any kind.

[lego6245:] 9 months minimum term, consistent with other cases of abuse.

to the public, my then-current dispute with moderator jeffcompass did a lot of the heavy lifting. i was bullied by several “bingo players” recurrently between mid 2021 and mid 2022, their primary strategy having been spreading malicious rumours about me, and jeff had been quick to argue that they were good people akshually and shouldn’t be “basically soft-cancelled over lapses of judgement” for making my life a misery with targeted dogpiling. he then pretended he was scared of me after i banned one of these bullies from an sms discord i was moderating. i tweeted out this document about jeff’s escalating pattern of suspicious behaviour, saying “it is reasonable for me to suspect malicious intent [in targeting me] given” xyz (in hindsight, i don’t think he was being malicious).

jeff and i were equally at fault for our dispute (well, it depends which you consider to be worse: me, not a mod, publicly speculating about whether he was malicious towards me vs him, a mod, privately spreading misinformation that made me seem malicious and telling people to not tell me what he had told them). but the situation was essentially caused by the other mods doing nothing about jeff despite his increasingly unstable behaviour as mod and my increasing paranoia about it. instead, in the ban justification, they lied extensively (e.g. that i’d made “minimal attempts to… escalate to moderators” and that my claims were “based entirely on speculation”) to make it seem like i abused jeff for no reason.

it’s a long and pointless story whose full recounting is linked at the start of the “case outlines” section on this page

in their #announcements about me, the mods slipped in an allegation of me abusing people privately – ”bullying or purposefully malicious actions and intents”. This was the thing most observers focused on; they remarked that since the public controversy was just a pointless drama, what must be justifying me being a cancelled abuser was what they didn’t know, so the private stuff.

this allegation was about 1upsforlife. 1upsforlife is a “perfect person” in the eyes of many, and had literally disappeared for a month after my letter. so i was guilty of Crimes Against 1Ups. this was Unacceptable.

what had actually happened was 1upsforlife had claimed to be my “best friend” while hiding friendships from me with people from the group lumardy had cut me out of, people who were continuing to support him and to campaign for his social rehabilitation. in this way, my “best friend” kept me in the orbit of where i had been abused. i responded with a very charged and hurtful letter. she never spoke to me again and later befriended lumardy.

believe it or not, nobody contacted 1upsforlife about the ban at all. she leaked the letter to a random person who reported it to the mods, then the mods asked someone both of them were friends with to explain, and he (jpep) explained that “it just felt like a message engineered to cause as much harm as possible”. the mods didn’t actually read the letter.

since i may be dead by the time this is published, i must clarify that i knew from my social fragility and awful history of fitting in that lumardy was my last try at making friends – something i couldn’t recover from. this sms community stuff tortured me for two years by putting me thru a similar abuse again, but realistically the first time, what lumardy did, 1upsforlife’s reaction, then lumardy faking a disappearance then coming back and outclouting me… this was already fatal and i’ve just been running down the clock since then.

case outlines

i’ve been trying to find a good way to spell out what the various involved parties did to me. i have my pages still, my monologues, but i also tried to tell some of it as a dialogue, so it’s a little more relatable, a little less alone. the trouble is, anyone who gets invested in hearing the details of the story gets burnt out confronting the extent of the pain i was put thru along with the denial, abuse-apologism and victim-blaming the current moderators have systematically engaged in.

let’s go person-by-person.

my conflict with jeffcompass

before we start, i wanted to mention that the full story of my conflict with jeff is told in the jeff dialogue [7z file], and my analysis and apology (to jeff) for it, written within a week of my ban, are here. interestingly, the mods never reacted to me apologising to jeff – i imagine they couldn’t have someone pointing out it was actually their fault.

1upsforlife

1ups was “the victim” i was banned over. this despite her not having reported my letter to her, not having wanted it to be acted on or to come out, and having been uncontactable the whole time. her actions in this case amount to:

1. not telling the sms community that i hadn’t abused her despite thinking this, despite knowing i’d been cancelled over this and despite me warning her that this meant she would be intentionally falsely accusing me of abuse.

2. talking to sms moderators for hours after i published my letter to her to defend myself, after which they somehow came away with the unchanged impression that i had abused her.

not the first time that happened [CLICK TO EXPAND]

when jeffcompass had come to 1ups falsely accusing me of banning a bully without consulting her, he somehow came away still thinking this despite her having literally agreed the ban with me.

3. denying that lumardy had abused me (calling it “a personality clash and multiple misunderstandings”), and lying about the extent to which she and our mutual friend agreed with and supported me thru this.

4. spreading conflicting insinuations about how i’d abused or been unfair to her to random people (like my friends) that misled them on the nature of our relationship; manipulating them to not tell me what she said in exchange for hearing this information.

5. telling an sms moderator (months before i was banned) that she was leaving because she felt “unsafe” because i “operate” in such a way that i’d turn people against her by inaccurately venting and quoting things she’d said; she said this while not giving any context on what i’d been angry with her about, so seeding a motive in the mods to pre-emptively strike me out of the community to protect her. she continues to tell this unsubstantiated lie about me having “publicized, aggressively attacked, made incorrect assumptions” at the time of the letter.

points #1–4 are set out in detail here; point #5 here (first half).

opinion: to ban or not to ban? [CLICK TO EXPAND]

i’ve been told banning 1ups is a tuff sell. i mean, there’s not that much malice here, so i don’t want people to hate her. equally tho, it’s clear that this person cannot stop lying, is entirely oblivious of it, will freely reinterpret her emotions about someone as abuse trauma that person caused her (i’d listened to her do this about lumardy while we were still friends so know what it feels like to listen to it), and will betray a best friend to be with the group he was socially abused out of. this lack of grasp of reality means befriending this person exposes one to a severe risk of, well, being falsely accused of abusing her, so i don’t think she should be allowed on the internet (or outside really) without a warning. that’s whence i’d argue for removing her from the community where this happened. the key point: she takes no personal responsibility, and is never at the table to settle these escalations, only slithering around in dms in a way that somehow makes people hate her target, while keeping her target blocked.

jpep

i’d not done anything bad to jpep pre-ban. he cut off friendship with me after my letter to our mutual friend 1upsforlife. he then manipulated the mods into thinking i was an abuser, guilt-tripped a third of the community into believing four lies he made up that made me sound like an abuser, conspired with mods to undermine my defences post-ban, and has been, 2 years on, retconning stories of community drama we were involved in to make me sound like an abuser.

the detailed case around jpep is told with a long dialogue (see jpep dialogue [7z file]) since a lot of it was deconstructing his manipulated testimonies and giving background of him behaving similarly with other people. the jpitar case sets out some of it too, and so it’s on me to give a basic tl;dr here:

1. when the sms mods reached out to him, he insinuated that i’d abused 1ups (“it just felt like a message engineered to cause as much harm as possible to me”). his report notably didn’t include any of my reasoning, despite him having acknowledged it to me, and notably left out the context around lumardy that he had been aware of – that i’d been reacting to my “best friend” secretly hanging out with a supporter of my abuser, no less. the mods were misled (1, 2, 3)

2. in a call with about 10 sms players (“the bullying call”), he invented several baseless accusations that made me sound like an abuser (e.g. that i was going to leak 1ups’ sensitive IRL information, that i was “a good way into” writing a doc about 1ups, that 1ups had nothing to do with my ban), stating them as “we KNOW [accusations]”. he used these lies to bring up my letter to 1upsforlife, to lend credence to it being abuse without actually talking about any of its content or context, taking advantage of mine and 1ups’ private situation behind our backs to spread hatred against me (→ jpitar, §2d and §3)

3. r.e. #2, he guilt-tripped, belittled and gaslit people to believe these accusations, threatening that they’d be sorry or anti-victim if they questioned the lack of any evidence or context; he later deleted some of these posts (→ jpitar, §2e)

4. he engaged in an information game (i.e. info suppression), disseminating contradictory statements to different people, smoke and mirrors, and refusing to sit down with me to set facts straight (→ jpitar, §2a)

5. he made himself out to be a trusted authority on mine and 1ups’ (i.e. somebody else’s) private relationship, in place of 1ups coming forward, in order to build credibility for his accusations, despite not even being able to identify the reason i was angry with 1ups (→ jpitar, §1d)

6. he gave a testimony wherein he retconned a community drama we were involved in as friends to make it sound like i maliciously destroyed someone: “we all took him down together tho!!!!!” (see [1], also [2] [3]) became “Shout had handled numerous personal issues … by writing long form essays/docs … These docs had disastrous effects on the concerned people” (pic) (→ jpep dialogue, §C3, from “a bit tangled” to “writing a journal”)

7. he spread more hatred in the sms community than anyone beyond guy2308/nebuladiv/tareq, and had a history of stalking and aggressing on people as part of trying to cancel other people they interacted with, which together speak to his motives against me (→ jpep dialogue, §C2)

8. jpep had read and unequivocally supported the lumardy case, calling it a “steel-solid doc all around… knowing that you’re right about all this” and advocating for a 2-year ban. he also listened to me talk about how not being believed on that case made me suicidal. these things speak to him knowing what he was doing when, like lumardy, lying and manipulating people in order to ostracise me (→ jpep dialogue, §B4)

9. when i confronted 1ups with the need to debunk the public false allegation of me abusing her that the sms mods had made, 1ups said jpep convinced her to not do it

most of these points are complemented by jpep’s defences of them, as analysed in the jpep dialogue, in which he spins them (→ jpep dialogue, §B3 [excerpt]), misdirects (→ jpep dialogue, §C3, from “sms discord on ban day” to “thinking-heavy” [excerpt], also → jpep dialogue, §C2, from start of C2 to “cancellation motive”), deflects them onto my fault, denies all responsibility and all apologies, while across the dialogue, we catch out around ten contradictions (example) in what he said

jpep is the most manipulative and, joint with mlarvitar, most malicious person involved in this, and it’s not even close

mlarvitar

mlarvitar is a community troll with a history of inciting hate movements against people and a personality cult. he sells his bullying as ethical, against-“evil” heroism or something. he has nothing to do with me and 1ups

1. we can look at what he reported me to the mods for, which contained a lot of strange unelaborated claims that don’t hold water. but yeah it was his decision to report the 1ups letter, that’s foremost

2. if we look at his interview with zeldocto, there are several places where he expressed takes that support manipulating people into believing vague half-secret abuse accusations

elaboration of #2 [CLICK TO EXPAND]

1ups said this:

[1upsforlife:] i talked to larvi about it today, and it seems like he read that message in a way to mean he could still mention [our personal situation] in a vague fashion to mods, but not bring up details. but we never talked about it, because when he was submitting the mod ticket, i was not around on discord, and he assumed i would not want to (or be able to) discuss it. i definitely would have told him not to mention it to mods if he had asked me about it.

so from her words, mlarvitar intended to vaguely bring up a personal situation to campaign against someone and intentionally withhold information about what it was actually about

mlarvitar makes a claim here that the 1ups case didn’t matter:

[mlarvitar:] At the time of the ticket (mid September) I did not assume that lups would talk publicly about it specifically/about any details - she appeared to be entirely absent. I think the existence of a letter and its consequence are rather minuscule bits of information (at least in context of the ticket, since it was one example of a problem with shoutplenty).

he also publicly accused me of manipulation without basis (see mlarvitar point #3), and then admitted in a dm to despin that he thought if the mods had announced manipulation then i would’ve tied that allegation back to the 1ups case. together, those mean that he knew he was using 1Ups to make a serious allegation

here mlarvitar is equivocating off a non-existent nuance to him bringing forward a situation to the mods:

[mlarvitar:] Saying “bringing it forward” implies to me that I was making a report on it (on lups’ behalf), or otherwise talked about the message in more detail. If it were the case that I wanted it to be reported, I would have encouraged her to notify mods at the time in August.

again, he accepts an intention to manipulate the mods (i.e. convince them of something without actually “reporting” it)

here mlarvitar shows an intention to talk about somebody else’s personal issue to mods:

[mlarvitar:] A while ago when it was relevant I also checked if I privately (/directly) told any of the mods about any details (it would be Rimato because he my friend, and lego because he is trustworthy). Neither DMs had me even refer to the letter at all, let alone specific details.

here he lies about it being my fault this was perceived as me being an abuser:

[mlarvitar:] Can you clarify what you mean with “perceived as so”? Especially because I don’t think it any point it was the “main piece” of the ban until splenty declared that it was

contrast: mod announcement, two mods admitting it made them see me as an abuser for sentencing, and jpep calling me a “fucking piece of shit” to a third of the community cos of it

and here he hints at other stuff that could be pushed as a private case to turn people against me with:

[mlarvitar:] The letter is not the only thing that would be non-public misconduct.

mlarvitar is pretty straightforward in admitting how he likes to go about destroying people. the idea is to vaguely bond together disparate decontextualised situations, ensuring no explanatory context is given, in order to convince other people somebody is evil:

[mlarvitar:] I think it really depends what you understand as bringing it forward. In the ticket I brought up “letter to lups that made her leave” as part of a little list about different situations that made people leave. The idea that he essentially created a lot of community-refugees is the same with or without the letter. I could have also generalised everything - saying that on multiple instances people left, and that a bunch of those people have been afraid of doing something about shoutplenty, or are otherwise dissociating with the community as a whole.

and it worked as intended. look at how zeldocto pulled a similar strategy with the “problematic tendencies that deeply disturbed” allegation he posted about me. this also shows up a big problem with dealing with social abuse, that the moderators are very socially abusive themselves

3. he set out frameworks for people to pre-emptively interpret my actions to defend myself from accusations as malicious. he intimidated despin publicly by doing this, accused him of lying for no reason, and so stirred up clout with 7 likes to drag despin’s reputation for saying i was unfairly banned with no info, similarly to how jpep targeted pumpman in jpep point #3 (→ jpitar, §2c)

4. there was an anon twitter account that psychologically bullied me, making light of my domestic abuse situation to paint me as crazy, among other things. i and others are certain it’s mlarvitar but, yknow, it’s anonymous. mlarvitar then staged a witchhunt to find out who did it, fingering goldendevil as a primary suspect, despite him also being a victim of domestic abuse. goldendevil said this:

goldendevil on leaving sms

The absolute breaking point for me leaving the SMS community was early 2023. Around that time, someone had created an anonymous Twitter account and was harassing shout about this. I didn’t hear about this until it stopped. And the reason I heard about it was that, I think, three different people confronted me and asked me if I was the person doing it. And apparently my name had come up prominently in discussions about who it was. I will tell you as I told them: that was not me. I took a very intentional strategy of not confronting or ever speaking to shout by late 2023. But that moment was my breaking point because it was clear that people were perceiving me as this person who I was not.

this is so disturbing both in that it picks on issues i’d identified as a source of severe depression/suicidality and so shows a desire for me to kill myself (→ jpitar, 2024/06 prologue), and in that it’s a false-flag attack with no fucks given about the human collateral it caused

5. (→ jpitar, §4) paints a pretty clear picture of the kind of person he is, preying on other people’s conflicts (§4g), supporting things he knows are lies about them (§4f), supporting their abusers against them (§4i). in general, inciting people to hate each other. his bullying of urbani was particularly sadistic, manifesting as a concerted effort to strip all of his friends from him and a emotional feeling of distancing due to “losing” in the sense of being unable to break up one of his closest friendships.

elaboration of #5 [CLICK TO EXPAND]
  • subtweeting publicly and naming privately urbani’s last remaining (and closest) friend to shame him (§4d)
  • inciting other people to pressure that person to cut urbani off (§4j)
  • expressing a desire to distance from the community because he “lost” to urbani since he couldn’t break up his closest friendship (§4k)
  • see also the fear on the victim (§4h)
  • jer’s public hate-letter to urbani seemed uncharacteristic of jer to me, showing rather signs of mlarvitar grooming him into hating urbani. mlarvitar supported this letter on twitter

6. he pre-emptively purged someone from his discord during the bullying call (see jpep #2 above), so that the lies jpep was telling about me wouldn’t get back to me (mlarvitar also likely lied about me – he was just on voice so left no traces). mlarvitar then lied (with jpep) to 1upsforlife that they had done this because this person had spread this information. (→ jpitar, §2b)

that’s my summary on mlarvitar. he’s less implicated in lying than jpep is; there’s much less of the contradictory behaviour to go over. it’s more just straight psycho behaviour. in fact, that “lost to urbani” comment and the false-flag comment about my mother both prove psychopathy

lego6245

lego6245 is the sms moderator responsible for originating the victim-protection gaslighting conspiracy and forcing it over the other mods, out of a personal vendetta against me. i coined the term “saulnier doctrine” to describe his legacy of pivoting the community away from functional events and leaderboards and towards a culture war directed at anyone who was “against” bingo (in my case, the bingo community’s bullying and disinformation campaigns). a doctrine of manipulating evidence and abetting lying and bullying campaigns (especially mlarvitar) to serve his information interest of, er, bingo supremacy (?).

1. chronological story of how he originated the 1ups abuse case: → id part 1, section B. we see him shapeshifting his feelings of personal dislike into the random accusations 1upsforlife was coming out with, bravely empathising, white-knighting, standing “in [her] corner” 🥲

2. his ban-day communications implying i’m an abuser:

[in sms #general:] our public statement is what we are sharing regarding this matter in an effort to protect victims and to respect their wishes” and “We believe, very strongly, based on past evidence, that naming specific people or incidents involved will cause them to become re-victimized, which is something we have a moral obligation to avoid.

[in sms #il-sheet-moderation:] In an effort to protect victims and respect their wishes, we will not be elaborating on the specifics. Know that we’ve interviewed multiple people, including victims of his abuse, and have found it grave enough to take this action.

[in sms #il-sheet-moderation:] 9 months minimum term, consistent with other cases of abuse.

3. participated in the jpep/mlarvitar bullying call described above (jpep #2) – this is opposite to the generally-accepted moderation strategy of saying “harassing people will not be tolerated”

4. hid evidence when the bingo players were drowning me with false accusation of “nonconsensual” toburr ban (→ write-up; here’s me @ing him to comment)

5. reaction to 1ups case being debunked (including the letter having been released and an interview with moderator rimato proving they had no idea about the 1ups case and that rimato regretted the ban after he read the letter) was to quit as mod and block me

6. accused by moderator [REDACTED] of creating the victim protection conspiracy

[REDACTED in warspy trial:] Tbh I mostly feel that information was limited to us and presented in a way by lego that pushed ideals by him. it felt like information was presented to us and witheld from being directly shown etc because of that reason. There was a lot of like “we must keep it private to protect people” iirc. and it kept a lot of information hidden but presented in such fashion if that makes sense

7. accused by moderator rimato of coercing him into a decision (which lego needed to then claim “this decision by the moderation team was unanimous”, and mlarvitar then tried to turn despin against me off the idea that even rimato agreed to the ban)

[rimato in warspy trial:] Personally I feel regretful about not deliberating the ban more before coming to my decision. I was very busy at the time so I would’ve preferred to stay out of the vote entirely but I remember Lego being adamant about wanting an unanimous vote for the ban. Ofc that’s no excuse on my part, I should’ve just dropped out as a mod rather than doing my job poorly.

[lego in sms #il-sheet-moderation:] We wouldn’t be taking this action if we felt there was another plausible option. Hence why the mod team was unanimous.

8. other claims of coercive modding [i don’t have evidence to hand]:

just huge liability in the mod chat that the mods decided to hide away so i can’t get the quotes reliably

9. lego had already (4 months pre-ban) attacked me with false narratives his friends (who had been bullying me) made up, in the il moderation channel, causing me to step down from my role. this was the tipping point for where i stopped treating the bingo bullying as a joke and started being psychologically broken down by it. lego apologised for this and for “assuming a lot that wasn’t true”. (→ full story (long); can also ask despin cos he witnessed this more closely)

10. tried to turn the il mods against me for withdrawing my code from the il sheet (“he’s literally broken the IL sheet for all of you as IL mods”)

11. interview responses:

→ see also: old video discussion, outdated but has some good insights on these points

not a single apology from this guy either. bro sits in his job as a “principal” dev at microsoft in seattle and just cancels unemployed poor people in online communities with false abuse allegations, what, for fun? this power dynamic is the reason i started calling him saulnier

warspyking

warspyking is a moderator who had been friendly towards me, despite participating in the victim-protection/fake-abuse-case gaslighting conspiracy. after i spurned his attempts to save me from myself, he quickly turned malicious, proactively blocking attempts to anonymise lumardy from the leaderboards (despite lumardy engaging in a bullying campaign against me after being banned for abusing me) to get under my skin, also claiming that for the mods to learn from his mistakes, he must remain in power, while taunting me over my inability to be believed when telling people about what he did to me

i really cba with whatever this guy is anymore so you can read my old bullet points from here (first section) if you want, or not. him taunting me is not included; see here

it really bothers me that people think he’s actually sorry just because he apologised to me in a public statement, framing a list of 12 mistakes as stuff anyone could’ve done and how he should stay mod so they can learn. it’s just apology signalling. where’s the dm or accountability to me? read about my theory of sincere apologies if you like.

→ see also: old video discussion that talks about the significance of some of these behaviours.

noki doki

noki doki is a moderator with a hands-off approach to abuse/conflict modding, who never discusses cases yet has a pattern of specifically intervening against a single specific person, single-handedly causing the suppression of a major abuse case that he suffered (yes, another one; awesomocity0 and dutchj tried to cancel me over a made-up allegation of sexual harassment)

note that points #1 and #3 don’t involve me, but i was forced to justify why this guy should be removed from mod cos what he does to me doesn’t count because it’s against me

1. he and 1upsforlife (mods since 2018) were responsible for the permissive attitude towards tareq, clayton, kinikola in 2018–2020 (alt accounting after ban, bullying, sexual harassment)

elaboration of #1 [CLICK TO EXPAND]

[→ leads for evidence: he admits somewhere he cba to ban tareq’s alts cos they keep coming back; see discussions in shine heads where kinikola asks everyone if they want awesomocity0 gone, and talks about dms he sent awesomo about pegging]

2. prolific instigator of passive aggression (sarcasm, strawmans) when leaderboard discussions don’t go his way [→ leads: read discussions about il red button glitch rules]

3. skitch harassment escalation (tells a victim of sexual harassment that “screenshots can be forged”)

4. in wake of #3, promised system/rules for dealing with abuse (collective mod promise to dutchj after skitch case) [→ referenced in link for #3, 2nd para]; system/rules conspicuously missing when he later voted to cancel me for no reason

5. unilaterally (= without asking anybody) announced a loving tribute to ex-mod dutchj after firing him for conspiring with awesomocity0 to cancel me with a false sexual harassment accusation (summary, full case), lying about why he left and suppressing the case

elaboration of #5 [CLICK TO EXPAND]

a zoomer discord case chat he was in shows him undermining fellow mod despin in this way despite himself acknowledging that awesomo is an abusive person. thus, he knowingly made me unsafe in the community as e.g. sblectric sheltered awesomo (despite sb having also directly witnessed the false accusation in a mod chat), since people didn’t believe me when i told them about what happened

6. participated in abuse conspiracy ban vs me (voting for ban without reading evidence) – same as other mods, and nokidoki doesn’t seem to regret that at all

7. supported lumardy’s social media returns (likes, follow) after his case came out, while he was still banned and had started bullying me

[noki doki in warspy trial:] I flat out deny that it was in any way related to the situation. I wasn’t fully aware of the extent of lu’s actions at the time and have not been in any form of contact with them since they left Twitter

[my comment:] what is this, he participates in the zoomer case, he participates in my case, yet somehow he doesn’t know about the lumardy case? x to doubt

8. accused me of minimising abuse i had done (after 1ups letter had been published) (→ tweet)

[noki doki in warspy trial:] My wording was stronger than I intended, and while I didn’t call him an abuser, I agree that it was a fair interpretation of this tweet.

9. kept lumardy up on sms country leaderboard after updating it with bancakes’ new uk any% record (jul 2024) in adjacent cell, despite all prior anonymised players having been removed, and noki doki himself having anonymised players from other leaderboards even for non-abuse cases

elaboration of #9 [CLICK TO EXPAND]
  • noki doki participated in making the case against tareq discord
  • he sat thru all those discussions about whether or not to remove guy’s runs from speedrun.com. tons of people arguing about trauma and victims and whatever
  • noki doki was testing out ways to change guy’s anon number as an alternative solution and such, as a leaderboard mod
  • when skitch was banned later, noki doki immediately anonymised him from the il sheet. i immediately reverted it myself
  • noki doki manages a country leaderboard, where it was agreed in discussion to remove all of the anonymised zoomers from it completely. these people were clearly missing from it for the next years as noki doki continued to manage that leaderboard
  • jan 2024, lumardy is anonymised. he remains on noki doki’s leaderboard
  • jul 2024, bancakes gets a uk record for any%. noki doki edits him into 2nd place in uk behind lumardy
  • i point this out sometime later in one of the private chats. rimato [not mod but leaderboard doc owner] immediately does the anonymisation. noki doki doesn’t comment. zeldocto doesn’t comment. anmaku doesn’t comment. lgy doesn’t comment. ian doesn’t comment

noki doki and warspy both like to attack people they dislike by leveraging their abusers against them for whatever reason. combined with noki doki supporting lumardy on twitter (point #7), as well as whitewashing dutchj (point #5) and supporting rudhira lying about the toburr case (point #10). it results in a clear pattern of hate campaign against me. this is only not a ban if it happens to me, as with most things in sms

10. liked the tweet rudhira posted that gaslit me over the false accusation that i’d banned toburr “without consent” (→ context)

11. the current mods forced me to keep dealing with noki doki despite #6 #7 and #9, leading him to continue saying, in the private case discussions, such toxic shit as this (first example is inciting moral panic over my literal language usage and second is resurrecting the victim protection gaslighting conspiracy, kind of like a “hitler was right actually”–type retcon)

bonus: there’s also a lot of evidence of him being a weasel around his beliefs about handling abuse

elaboration of bonus [CLICK TO EXPAND]

old tweet thread

ironic comment:

[noki doki in linked doc for point #3:] It’s also worth noting that at the time of this conversation, the Sunshine Discord moderation team has no procedure on how to handle cases like this, which are therefore left to each moderator’s discretion. This issue is being remediated, for example by standardizing an immediate ban prior to any investigation in harassment cases.

rereading more of this skitch doc, it actually implicates the old mods a lot more that they knew what they were letting people get away with when they came for me after i was banned. he published that last sentence and then didn’t ban awesomo during the cancellation she was pulling on me. there’s no possible excuse he can make, then

[noki doki in linked doc for point #3:] Of course this should mainly apply to irreversible retributions like public shaming; as Dutchj will bring up in mod chat later, a ban can be revoked, so there’s not much reason to withhold it like I did.

straight up murders zeldocto here ^, especially for lack of warspy demod but also lego ban and probably jpep ban. i do feel bad for singling out zeldocto. he gets a lot of flack for actually voicing the opinions we know the other mods have.

the ambient culture

it’s called “unforgiven” because it shall not be forgotten the part the wider sms community played in this. they’ve been fully aware of what’s been going on for the past two years.

bingo community

i described the general MO of the bingo players on twitter.

jeffcompass
jeff wrote a paragraph in an abuse doc that falsely accused somebody of asking for erotic photos from somebody else he knew was underage. strictly, the allegation had been privately invented by jpep, but jeff published it. when i asked jeff to comment on this, i noticed his reaction (included on that page) didn’t acknowledge that he had done this, but rather called it an “injustice [i] perceive”. he alleged a literal crime that objectively didn’t happen and caused people to come after the accused person, inquiring into whether he’d been criminally investigated.

this saga led me to rethink jeffcompass. i noticed that, for someone who was supposedly hurt by me, he did react rather in a way that precluded all of his role and responsibility in the conflict between us, feeling no guilt himself. he did collaborate with both lego6245 and mlarvitar, two of the most aggressive social abusers in this story, to get me banned. his public statement on our conflict focused on the feeling of being called a bad person when 95% of people think you’re a great person. he did rather tweet a tribute to lego after i was banned, calling him the most positive influence on the sms community, which garnered 18 likes.

jeff liked the false accusation toburr posted of me banning him “without consent”, weeks after i was banned, having himself spread this accusation to several people behind my back. he liked the hate speech jer wrote to urbani. he falsely accused despin of “soft-bullying” him, a rumour that persists in bingo circles to this day. that’s the second instance (ctrl+f this page) of him using that “soft” prefix to plausibly-deniably lie about what’s happening to him and his bully friends. 5 months after i was banned, he had cooled down and owned up to his part in my conflict with him – only privately. how convenient :). if only it were as possible for me to be left alone the way he wants me to leave him alone :D.

it’s almost like, when he defended the bingo bullies, he was trying to tell us something about the kinds of pain he would like other people to inflict on me and his other enemies on his behalf. all that matters is not whether he’s a good person but whether people say he’s a good person.

peaches
a very weird kind of person who faked being hurt by me as an excuse to incite hatred, having spent most of his sms moderation career laundering bullying by, say, leaking my report of it to a bully to inflame his rage. a rather big man, in fact another highly-paid software developer, who complained about the pain of being @ed in tweets yet had no problem showing up to tell me i wasn’t allowed to talk (context) about how my autism provoked his friends to bully me. bro was just ableist to my face. impunity.

toburr/rudhira/goldendevil
these three had been found guilty of bullying me, thru a mediation that lego6245 refused to pass judgement on so that they could later claim this never happened. they had all apparently apologised publicly to me. after i was banned, toburr was quick off the mark to falsely accuse me of banning him “without consent”. when i clarified the accusation, lego6245 strategically hid the evidence, allowing rudhira to ratio me with a rant gaslighting me over the situation (→ full story).

goldendevil, who had apologised to me out of a mental breakdown, retracted his apology, and had no clue as to what he should’ve been apologising for, resumed his behaviour:

in general, every time i indirectly hear from the bingo players, i find they just cannot stop lying about me. at this point, their taking no steps to get informed before slandering me is enuff of an unbroken pattern to just amount to a targeted hatred and harassment campaign

i was actually promised by lego6245 that they would be banned from interacting with me. i feel like lying about and manipulating people against someone is, well, that? so they’re getting banned then? am i making sense here or…?

i need to mention mojungo in passing here as well since, while he hadn’t been reprimanded for bullying me before, he has been one of the most prominent factories of malicious rumours about me, all behind my back, which have after several years still not stopped

the mlarvitar supporters
jeff, peaches, rsw, jukatox, blaze_rol… too many to count really. the whole sms bingo community shelters the three abusers jpep/mlarvitar/lego6245

the new moderators

obviously, the fact that no action has been taken against anyone in this story yet they kept me banned for 2 years speaks more loudly than anything else i could say here.

note: you can download an archive of all discussions (since 2023/07) related to resolving these cases here.

zeldocto
what this doesn’t account for however is the amount of abuse-apologetic takes zeldocto has subjected me to (1 2 3 4 5 6), the grasping for any reason possible to do nothing (1). it neglects that he promised to ban awesomocity0, after arguing with me about how he wasn’t going to announce even a correction to noki doki’s announcement deceiving the community about dutchj (→ noki doki #5 above)… then quietly, he, just, didn’t even ban. he later handled lego6245 the same way

anmaku
anmaku had promised to get lumardy banned from speedrun.com and then quietly also, just, didn’t. ostensibly, this is in retaliation for me not replying to his message with the reason (i gave him) that he had ignored several of mine, which he lied was because i’d been passive aggressive, covering up the long history of me reporting the problems i describe in this document to him and being blanked (wow, a lot of important stuff in that screenshot all the mods forever ignored 💀). as well as that anmaku had made a tweet to convince people to side with warspyking against me, saying it “as an sms mod” – successfully, noting the like ratio. can’t forget that. in his private-only apology to me, he referred to this as a “shitpost”. so ofc i rejected that apology lol.

passive aggro is maybe the strangest thing i’ve ever been accused of given i always handle my aggro actively because i think plausible deniability is a type of manipulation

ian_lc
ian_lc was hired as moderator by warspyking despite having literally been in the tareq group and having bullied urbani while he was banned, the common thread being his affinity for targeting the most vulnerable. unsurprisingly then, he turned this kind of behaviour on me:

so ian_lc person being moderator is one of the most obvious instances of hypocrisy in the sms community, with everything they’ve ever said about the zoomers and abuse, and i feel like it might’ve been a play by warspyking to shore up the representation of bullies in the mod team.

lilgreenyoshi
lilgreenyoshi, other than being quick to side with the other mods against me and slow to confront his friends’ support of mlarvitar, said a rather funny thing in response to my tweet comparing the mods’ silence on me with biden’s silence on palestine – “with your situation, no one is [dying]”.

his best friend told me a story of how a case of social abuse he suffered traumatised him and ruined months of his life, to which lilgreenyoshi responded empathetically that i had endured that kind of abuse twice, and he was going to become mod to look into it, and talk to his friends about being around mlarvitar. yeah.

libel
(EDIT 2025/01/29: → updated evidence of the libel described below remaining live)

the mods’ favourite consensus take is:

[invictusspiritus:] Another complaint folks have is that you’re doing what people have supposedly/actually done to you. Libel, exaggeration, etc.

[anmaku:] the others have emphasized how some of your statements seem outlandish and like slander without true evidence, or how you might cause further harm to the community if truly let back in

they love a bit of an (unsubstantiated) comparison of my actions after being socially abused out of the community with the actions of those who instigated the abuse despite not having been hurt themselves by me (jpep, mlarvitar, lego6245).

but actually, this hides a much darker truth.

it’s very noticeable that the libel that the mods posted to justify my ban is still up [these web archive links take ~15s to load]. the only edits made since the 2022 original (edited may–aug 2024) removed references to private abuse and victim protection. it took this fight for even that to happen, in which the mods are seen continually supporting preserving the libel in case it might be true (that sentence labelled “SIKE” was taken down around a month after i tweeted that linked photo).

of course, the lies about the jeffcompass situation (mentioned in the background section on this page) are still there, despite the jeff dialogue having taken place over 2 months ago. the ban statement still asserts i was given more chances than tareq. it still uses that word “purposeful” to imply a violent motive in my “disregard for words chosen”

one might suspect why, if an unwarranted cancellation happened, the document was not just deleted in the first place. why was the struck stuff about private abuse replaced with a fresh unsubstantiated accusation of “behaviors that deeply troubled members of the community”, as if to just argue i’m banned because people hate me? well:

i mentioned earlier that nebuladiv was libelled as having asked for erotic pictures from people he knew were underage when this just didn’t happen. an intensely serious accusation. but i suppose, him being cancelled anyway made this ok? they’ve known since 2022. the mods refusal to handle this elicited this thread from me. after they finally looked into it and posted an admission, well… a month on, it’s still up?

the thing they hate the most is when i point out that this deliberate “negligence” targeted at those they want to keep disempowered, hated and not believed… well that makes them social abusers! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

p.s. i mentioned earlier (lego6245 #8) that the mods hid away the raw evidence so i couldn’t find citations for lego shutting down my appeals, and also for what specific abuse allegations jpep convinced the mods of. they made some excuses about privacy. but the 3rd link under “anmaku” also shows them later just ignoring my requests for them to find the evidence themselves.

invictusspiritus
someone who involved himself in this situation supposedly to help me, but then when i unfairly hurt zeldocto – with the comment “i am somewhat surprised that somebody who was abused … would be supporting a position of collaboration [with warspyking], so maybe its the nature of the trauma thats not being understood.” – invictus took it upon himself to make me see god and got involved in turning people against me

he primarily used the strategy of voicing a speculation, whose only basis was that somebody else had baselessly said it, as “plausible”, and normalising the idea behind my back as part of one-sided rants blaming me for everything that happened to me. this led to this poorly-aged mod dogpile against me (see invicted1.html). after he got involved with my irl ex-friend in a private discussion to find a grand unifying theory of how i was wrong for everything, resulting in the comment “[ronak]’s testimony indicates that your normal conversations with normal people aren’t so normal”, as well as some subtle social manipulations against me (→ despin discord, search “ivsm” for full contexts and examples) and mendacious victim-blaming, i realised i was dealing with a coercive controlling type akin to warspyking.

misc

inkstar
someone who offered me solidarity against mlarvitar, having been harassed by mlarvitar across a year with no consequences on mlarvitar, and then promptly ditched me after he realised he now out-clouted mlarvitar and after i’d called him out for abusive leaderboard moderating (breaking his own leaderboard rules as an irreproachable top player). then shitting on people who helped me with leaderboard strike actions against the sms mods, saying that he wanted rid of me so he could enjoy being the best speedrunner in an “undivided” community (→ full context).

all the people

who said nothing or pretended to be out of their depth

who claimed to be my friends yet took part in the sms moderators’ spaces while they were doing this to me

but especially
those who supported lumardy while he was bullying me. like jjsrl, who spoke to my face about luke being gone with a vexed tone, after himself making a huge deal about the zoomers bullying him and how he didn’t want them discussed in his stream

and

see also: [1] [2] [3]. he doesn’t know, doesn’t care.

not to take this (plankton) quote completely literally w/o the receipts but, well,

[me:] i hold off the tide in my mind when i’m awake as best i can, but in my dreams, he’s right there, and the truth is what people say it is. he’s “changed”, he’s standing there, and i have to accept that. and i run, run back thru things that once comforted me but then turned into hollow shells as this plague of “moving on” engulfed them

moving on alone

i’ve been here enuff times before. it seems like the story is overwhelming enuff. i wrote in february 2024 about the way this kind of tsunami of bullying rotted out my sms friendships because whoever was claiming to be my friend made no effort to include me in sms activities. later on, having to deal with abuse-apologism and victim-blaming from a new set of mods on a damn-near permanent basis made me come across toxic to be around so everyone stayed away. there was never an attempt from any mod to sort out a robust evidence process, with them preferring to isolate my stories out onto my website (1 2), then head over to the people i accused to pick up testimonies that lied and misdirected with no evidence, only too eager to believe what could excuse them from doing anything

i suppose i could just mention the things that hurt the most

1. obviously, the mods not doing a single thing about the 6 guilty parties hurt a lot. them offering no help with telling my story left me isolated. i wasn’t able to explain to anyone why i was uncomfortable being around those who abused me

2. them permanently banning me as well really stuck the knife in on that

3. having the awesomocity0 case and lumardy speedrun.com bans dropped by zeldocto and anmaku because of who i was hurt as well

4. and having invictusspiritus join the case only to turn on me and start manipulating people against me… well that feeling of eternal repetition is what motivated me to write bullying doesn’t stop until the target’s dead

5. warspyking and noki doki both leveraging lumardy’s presence against me thru leaderboard modding, by circumventing the practices that had been well-established on their leaderboards previously of anonymising abusers, i found this really hard to cope with. cos it really felt like everyone who’d yelled about this after the zoomers were banned, who was regularly shaming people for not wanting to delete people everyone had agreed should at least be anonymised… were they all lying? was it all a mirage? cos when it came for me to ask for this, these two mods were turning down group chats to help me deal with lumardy bullying me as it happened, and i was left out alone. as such, they knew what they were doing by not anonymising. i couldn’t believe they wanted to hurt me that much. just cos they had lied about me being an abuser and i wasn’t going down without a fight. it feels like i’m not even entitled to ask for such aggravated malice to elicit a ban, cos there’d just be more walls of plausible denial

yet… lumardy had such a specifically psychological style in how he came after me, going after records i was proud of, faking disappearances only to come back and try to dominate me socially, drawing attention to himself with his name spelt backwards on a gsa donation. i feel like with him making certain i knew i would never be able to get away from him, well warspyking and noki doki using that against me is quite a thing to do

it’s crazy to me that the sms community is so abusive that this kind of behaviour is just normal there. tho maybe that wasn’t the worst of it

6. when i banned toburr for bullying without remorse, wanting him to at least apologise… i look at that screenshot of 1upsforlife unbanning him only a day later and demodding me right after. i think about how i correctly banned somebody for bullying, in an easy case all of that discord’s mods (including 1ups) agreed with. i think about the volume of people who pretended to be scared of me for doing this. i think about how 1upsforlife managed to have a conversation with one of them in which she led him to believe she hadn’t agreed even tho she had. i think about warspyking using this against me as a reason to ban me

for doing something about bullying, i… i get flashbacks to the pain i was in for two years aged 11–13 and the feeling of not being able to do anything about bullying. how hard it stunted my development that i’d been socially sidelined as a child. and the reaction i got all these years later for finally being able to stand up for myself and the other people whom toburr victimised and who left sms because of the hate movement he started. the reaction is this. bullying is

i can’t beat it

i don’t think the bingo players randomly bullying me ought to have mattered so much. but it turned into this cancer that grew and grew and took over power, pressured me with unassailable waves of false accusations that gave me actual consequences and brought me back to when i was curled up in bed trying to figure out how to get my friends back after lumardy took them away from me. bullying just has this power over me, and i can’t beat it

7. maybe the big thing is that i just can’t stop all the lying that’s constantly being directed at me, that when there are social abusers like jpep and mlarvitar, they’re given an eager audience out for my blood each time. that i’m still dealing with bingo narratives all these years later, and it’s being passed off as “well, people are allowed to not like you and so make up false accusations about you”

i think what set me off that i was in hell is noticing that no matter how much i apologised for what people wanted me to apologise for, it made no difference to them, i suppose cos i was unable to accept all the accusations that actually didn’t happen. figuring out that i was up against people who wanted to destroy me at all costs rather than approach the mediation table the way i did in community reconciliation. really coming to terms with how i’d been played in comm-rec with lego’s rules for bingo players and rules for hitler. knowing i’d foreseen this would happen yet had no choice but to follow thru cos my ethics demanded me to keep talking

it’s that feeling that whenever you call someone out for anything abusive, eir optimal play isn’t to do better but rather destroy you so there’s silence again. that even when i was open to lumardy defending himself from details in his case, the optimal play for him was to bully me instead

it’s that feeling of knowing you’re deliberately being isolated, with no engagement from the social abusers on the things you’re saying, so they can come out and deny everything you said after you’re dead

and why do people not care about lying and manipulation? was i brought up to care about the wrong things? are these just clever strategies i should’ve been using myself? cos it seems to be very low-risk… if you’re caught then you wiggle out of it with some word-games and nobody seems to care?

8. well, the thing that hurt me most consistently and which i complained about most often, only to be ignored by mods each time, was how 1upsforlife was denying the lumardy abuse case. wouldn’t you know… our friend theo who testified that how we saw lumardy manipulate awesomocity0 into thinking i was an abuser was the same as how he’d manipulated my friend group against me… theo said to me to my face, ehh you know. on reflection and this and that

nothing happened

have you ever had the rug pulled out beneath your feet on the reality of your trauma? like the values of the world changed in a few short months and you had to just *clicks fingers* adapt

i realised after typing these 8 points that they were all done by people other than the 3 core destroyers of the story, jpep, mlarvitar and lego6245. i do remember, like, being reaallly distressed about the comment about my mother, and also the feeling of being trapped in a hall of mirrors that those three forced me into by confronting me with the end-product of their conspiracy and no recourse to getting it sorted out. the mere presence of those 3 people and my powerlessness to tell other people what they did has caused me many panic attacks, as recently as 2 months ago. and i have to handle that combined with jpep stabbing me in the back after having acted like my close friend

but i guess what gets me more these days is rather the other people, who kind of blend into the crowd and pass themselves off as good people, while subtly engaging in the kinds of things i listed in those 8 points

idk

i remember in dec 2020, months before lumardy happened, there was a night i was walking around in the dark. i relied on our friend group to keep me going in the face of my imploding life, suffering from ptsd of being overworked my whole life, from irl loneliness, and from being tortured by a building site outside my window for 60 hours a week. but i had to talk to them past midnight, cos the online empire is on eastern standard time, and my mum started to resist that cos it kept her up. i remember on that walk, a respite from my cage, i felt like there was no way out and maybe it was time to kill myself

and ever since then, lumardy and 1upsforlife, and all their enforcers, have been pulling my friends out like teeth with this strategy of secret false allegations of abuse, and i’ve found, i’ve not evolved what i need to save myself. so it ends up being bullying, ostracisation and betrayal all the way down. so for a while i just kept to myself and had no friends, in blissful isolation, but eventually the time would come to move on alone

also, being dragged thru all this apathy, it feels like i will eventually become the villain by saying the wrong thing, which will be used as an excuse to rehabilitate my abusers, regardless of how comprehensively i made the receipts available. as such, it feels kind of like a loose end to be here cos who knows how much suffering is still to come

o7

2024/10/20

i’m here 3 weeks on, planning my escape. scared but excited, wondering what to do and what will happen after

at this point, i’ve @ed the sms mods to stop jpep from being broadcast on their twitch channel, and was met with another brutal silent treatment. i’ve written in my journal about the levels of fear and panic i experience each time jpep befriends my friend and i can’t say anything, or a bingo player announces lumardy’s return, or now this. i can’t bear to check whether they did broadcast jpep after my request, and thus it gets harder and harder to blot out my reality, and the only escape is inwards into not being aware or sentient

the sms community is a monument to jpep, naming the pep frame after him. it’s a concept i researched, has no relation to him, but every relation to his “defeating” “racism”. it hangs as a shadow over me

none of them admit to having done anything to me. they all point fingers at each other. yet they’re all friends with each other, all hate me and all support my abusers. a giant invisible hand bullies me to death

one of my strategies is to declassify conversations, of for example the zoomer discord case and victimhood, cos it feels like with every sentence, they drown me in hypocrisy. it’s my duty to turn what i went thru into an unavoidable eyesore

it’s so hard watching people perform outrage they don’t mean and lie about helping me. it’s so lonely out here in the silent treatment, being unable to have friends, and shouldering the weight of my duty to protect those who follow in my footsteps from social abuse. i suppose that is the purpose of my little expendable life

2025/02/01

just wanted to add, plankton revealed the justification the sms moderators have used for applying pressure on my back by keeping my abusers around the community:

god that shit is so heavy on my back, every waking day

2025/02/09

the sms mods unbanned lumardy today. they didn’t even notify me. they didn’t even require him to apologise for the split-narrative duplicity of pre-ban, nor for the intensive bullying or the staged disappearance he did post-ban. i knew that not arguing with these mods would make my situation worse, not better. i knew that every time lumardy said he was leaving forever or happy to be exiled, he was lying. ever since september 2022, he’s been alternating between comeback and disappearance, negotiating with mods, lengthening the intervals until he got it to work

it’s funny. the contradiction at the heart of coercive moving on, that time heals, and the abuser stays around, always just out of sight, until some time passes and they can say “it’s been years”. but the trauma and the pressure never actually go away. i was always afraid i didn’t have it in me to take the leap, but this must be my chance i think